Genderful Not Genderless
Some may assume a life outside the Binary is one void of gender and color and light, and I can assure you that is the contrary. Now, I can’t reflect all gender fluid or enby humans, but for me, being Non-binary is full of gender. Masc, femme, Butch, Soft, Light, Dark, I feel it all. Somedays i feel more like a human, but that doesn’t mean a less than rich being but one that allows gender euphoria to come naturally instead of forcing patriarchal gender norms. Somedays I may feel like wearing a dress, others a suit or vest. Either way, it’s still me, and still valid.
I have felt this way my whole life, I just didn’t have the words and representation yet to claim it for myself. I grew up with the boys and girls, and being content with that. A gender fluid childhood was one of joy for me. I never wore dresses but I knew I liked feeling soft. Sure, others called me gay and questioned me in school about it, but I was happy. Now, that I am out, I hope to be a beacon for younger generations in my family, and show them they can live a happy life being fluid.
Going on Hormones for me was a chance for being my most authentic self. Sure, somedays I don’t feel femme, but I love how my body feels now, the softness of my hands, the curves on my chest. I treasure it all. Being on Hormones does not have to mean becoming a boy or girl, it can just be becoming “you” and that is totally beautiful as well.
Being Jewish I struggled growing up with the binary religious practices of men and women being separated with men wearing Yarmulkes, and women more to the sidelines. I wanted gender equality in my faith and left the faith for a while because of it. Coming back though to it as an adult, I realize I can choose which practices of my faith such as wearing a Yarmulke I want to keep and others I don’t feel as connected to. Growing up is making your own values and connections, I can now say I am proud to be Jewish which is something I treasure and wear on my sleeve.
Being a Jewish and Trans person, I worry my identity is so often erased. People tend to call me “She” in a dress, or “He” when I’m in a button down or t-shirt and pants. That is why I fight so hard to be visible, to be heard, not just for me but for others, we deserve our gender joy to be visible for all it can bring to the world.
